Here's the thing. Christmas is nice. I love the song Santa Baby. It's funny to imagine that song dropping in 1904 or whatever and like the midshipmen listening to it for the first time pre-internet porn (i think) and like getting just so horned up from the subtle sexuality of the whole thing that they like commit treason or get scurvy or whatever.
But we gotta make one thing clear here at good hang. Gift Guides are not about āGifting.ā The holidays are not about āspreading cheer.ā No, all of this is about a giant Soviet Style Darwinian taste war. The goal, as we see it, is to completely dominate everyone else by creating a Taste Goon Nexus where these little freaks just click on our shit forever. That is, after allā¦what Sub Stack is all about.
So weāve put together what I would call a āHiroshima-style taste nukeā to finish the culture war once and for all. Like all evil thingsā¦we wouldnāt have been able to do this without our secret funder and benefactor Peter āda bi petey pabloā Thiel. So we asked him to throw some recs in the mix. We also hit some friends up for stuff too.
This will likely become incredibly clear soon but we do not give a shit if you buy anything on this list, what we care about is that you read this thing and pay us exorbitant fees to consult on your evil tech projects and or go on your podcasts. The affiliate links, as it wereā¦are the friends we made along the way :)
TAP IN
TECHNO OPTIMISM
RS: harry wonāt admit to being a techno-optimist even though he is (iāve seen him take a waymoā¦ actions speak louder than words) so i have to do this section aloneā¦
For someone with feet:
something about Good Hangā¦ we donāt āfollow trends,ā we create them. in march 2021 i went to the podiatrist over a bunion scare, and she said āyou donāt have a bunion, but, the thing i NEED to tell you about your feetā¦ā (10 second pause) ā...is you have BEAUTIFUL feet.ā (not to flex, itās just part of the story). she then took out a pad of paper and scrawled a few words onto it:
i immediately thought to myselfā¦ crocs and birkenstocks? played out. oofos thoughā¦ blue ocean. no oofos wearer had done it like i was about to do it. i ordered a pair on my way home.
fast forward a few months, iāve spurred a dozen more purchases from my eclectic community (including our very own harry, his mom, and my mom). a reporter from the biggest publication in the world reached out to me about a trend piece. another reputable publication issued an official recommendation of the orthopedic footwear i singlehandedly popularized without so much as a mention (iām used to it).
anyway - theyāre really comfortable. great gift for anybody with feet.
-randa
for your friend who thinks itās cute to be hungover
guess what? itās not. thanks to zbiotics, hangovers are obsolete. everyoneās like ādoes it even work?ā and the answer is yes it does. ?$9 pEr bOtTLe? ok thatās the price of a beer. and also this is a gift, you can buy them a 3-pack for $36ā¦ and also if you click this link you get $20 offā¦ thank me later.
-randa
for your friend who loves gift guides
Why donāt you tell him to Link with some Affiliates and go talk to some females šš
-Harry
SEX AND LOVE
yeah yeah weāre just including this section bc itās what you guys always want from us š we contain multitudes smhā¦
For the coworker you saw on Feeld who said they like MMFs:
Bespoke Gang Bang Experience (Safe for Work - itās just a google form donāt worry)
For the girl reading this :)
415-640-2008
-Harry
for the single fellas in SF:
A Date With Randa
thatās rightā¦ set it upā¦
For your friend who has an ex girlfriendā¦
10 mins of ex girlfriends instagram
Its ok! You get ten minutes. Maybe shower after. Not in like a jacking off sense more just likeā¦.sweating it out. Probably donāt text herā¦but 10 mins could be good.
-harry
For anyone
Getting mildly flirtatious and esoteric while talking to a hot person in downtown New York or San Francisco
Maybe theyāre like a poet and youāre like woah whatās being a poet like and theyāre like I get grants and stuff and youāre like thatās crazy I wonder what time again will do this winter and theyāre like yea Iām not sure or maybe they work in tech and are a consultant and you speculate with them about if burning man is post ironic or post post ironic and u donāt have S with them that night but like another night you see them and then u guys kiss
-Harry, randa and Peter
(Sorry breaking the 4th wall here but speaking of sex and Peter thiel I was talking to this guy who said that a bunch of men he knew were pretending to be bisexual so they could flirt with peter theil and I guess likeā¦get funding? Back to the bit)1
SPIRITUAL
For you friend caught in this strange liminal space in digital culture where we seem to shifting towards more āquasi-privateā internet spaces like group chats and discords
A Bit Of The Year (BOTY) Award Ceremony
Everyone's always likeā¦oh my favorite movie of 2024 is Anoraā¦oh im leaving the Kendrick album off my top ten. Completely 100% do not careā¦ i wanna hear some indexing of the cultural detritus you and the boys cooked up over this beautiful year. Go through the group chat. Keyword search some funny stuff. Go back and try to find the best bits. For me Iāve got āMorning Joe humor, SSOH, Alās Hinge, intricate ways of killing yourself when you see a hot girlā¦stuff liek that. Use this worksheet to whip urs up.
-harry
For your friend who follows Bryan Johnson
The Game from 1997 Michael Douglass Thriller āThe Gameā
In the 1997 Michael Douglass thriller āThe Gameā Micahel Douglass is this rich guy whos like bored or something and signs himself up for this mysterious service where they track you and try to kill you but not actually kill you and you go insane but ultimately its fun. I think if more rich people tried to do this instead of freezing their cum weād be in a better place. Thats just my two cents. If someone did this it would be cool. Youād get written up in āintelligencerā i think. The Game is also a pretty good film. Sneakily a San Francisco movie i think too.
-harry
For your friend whoās worried about aging
Just Let Them Do The Year Over
Theyāre turning 30 this year and bummed about it? Just agree to be like āactually youāre turning 29 again not 30 on their 30th birthday. Iām surprised more people donāt do this. My friend Casey suggested it a while ago and I've thought about it a lot. You could totally do this
MARKETPLACE OF IDEAS
For your friend with absolutely Crazytown ideas
Inject their political project into the Overton window of acceptable discourse
This is one of my favorites. I run in some fairly heavy-hitting circles and people in that cohort think to materialisticallyā¦.yachts, vacations, pre market amphetamine patches that also make you hard and turn your wang green while oddly turning the rest of ur shit down there purple like those fake lighting toy things you see at the exploratoriumā¦, but its likeā¦we all have access to that stuff. No this try instead to inject one of your friends favorite theories into the zeitgeist! We should be allowed to eat snakes? Language should cost money? Young men arenāt watching enough porn? Whatever it is..who cares! DM us for our PT x GH Loco Crazy Idea Psyop form and just submit your idea and your spend and weāll make it happen!
-peter
For your friend who gets all their book recommendations from you
A gilded plaque that says āThe [Your Name] Library of Ideasā
Install it above their book shelf as a surprise. When they bring someone home from the bar and they start looking at your friendās books they will know that the real brains behind the operation is you. And thatās what friendship is all about š
Community Chest
These gift ideas were donated by members of our generous community
for more good ideas you can read faiqās new fashion substack
for your favorite avoidant
like āinbox zeroā or a ādebt jubileeā but for being kind of a shitty friend. get instant forgiveness for all the texts you havenāt responded to but still think about every day. gift to yourself or your favorite avoidant
-Jasmine Sun (āDwarkesh meets Ezra Klein but a girlā)
For that one homie who Doesnāt Need Much
Most of the apps that come preloaded onto the iPhone are fucking awesome. You can waste time on those instead of twitter or instagram. Iām talking āUtilities.ā Scrolling around on Maps is classic stuff; you can sit around with the homies and everyone tries to zoom in on different remote islands in the Pacific Ocean and find various restaurants, convenience stores, high schools, etc. Itās also word-expanding. Also fun to go on the Weather app and check out different parts of Antarctica (Feels Like, what have you). The Measure app is also insaneāyou can lie in bed and try to measure like from your mirror to your door.
-Nabeel (Low Lift Ask)
The gift of honesty
Itās time to set yourself free. Your friend asks if heās balding SCREAM IT FROM
THE ROOF TOP! Do I have bad breath YES YOU DO ALWAYS HAVE!! Itās time for them to KNOW and you to drop a load of your shoulders. The truth hurts but holding on to it hurts more. Let it rip
ALLEGEDLY
"Croc's" with the apostrophe is getting me
Randa do you know u influenced Mc with oofos years ago and can say still a household staple