The Only Biblically Accurate Gift Guide on Substack

Harry 16:1, Randa 13:2, Peter 420:69

Here's the thing. Christmas is nice. I love the song Santa Baby. It's funny to imagine that song dropping in 1904 or whatever and like the midshipmen listening to it for the first time pre-internet porn (i think) and like getting just so horned up from the subtle sexuality of the whole thing that they like commit treason or get scurvy or whatever.

But we gotta make one thing clear here at good hang. Gift Guides are not about “Gifting.” The holidays are not about “spreading cheer.” No, all of this is about a giant Soviet Style Darwinian taste war. The goal, as we see it, is to completely dominate everyone else by creating a Taste Goon Nexus where these little freaks just click on our shit forever. That is, after all…what Sub Stack is all about.

So we’ve put together what I would call a ‘Hiroshima-style taste nuke’ to finish the culture war once and for all. Like all evil things…we wouldn’t have been able to do this without our secret funder and benefactor Peter ‘da bi petey pablo’ Thiel. So we asked him to throw some recs in the mix. We also hit some friends up for stuff too.

This will likely become incredibly clear soon but we do not give a shit if you buy anything on this list, what we care about is that you read this thing and pay us exorbitant fees to consult on your evil tech projects and or go on your podcasts. The affiliate links, as it were…are the friends we made along the way :)

TAP IN

TECHNO OPTIMISM

RS: harry won’t admit to being a techno-optimist even though he is (i’ve seen him take a waymo… actions speak louder than words) so i have to do this section alone…

For someone with feet:

Oofos

something about Good Hang… we don’t “follow trends,” we create them. in march 2021 i went to the podiatrist over a bunion scare, and she said “you don’t have a bunion, but, the thing i NEED to tell you about your feet…” (10 second pause) “...is you have BEAUTIFUL feet.” (not to flex, it’s just part of the story). she then took out a pad of paper and scrawled a few words onto it:

i immediately thought to myself… crocs and birkenstocks? played out. oofos though… blue ocean. no oofos wearer had done it like i was about to do it. i ordered a pair on my way home.

fast forward a few months, i’ve spurred a dozen more purchases from my eclectic community (including our very own harry, his mom, and my mom). a reporter from the biggest publication in the world reached out to me about a trend piece. another reputable publication issued an official recommendation of the orthopedic footwear i singlehandedly popularized without so much as a mention (i’m used to it).

anyway - they’re really comfortable. great gift for anybody with feet.

-randa

for your friend who thinks it’s cute to be hungover

guess what? it’s not. thanks to zbiotics, hangovers are obsolete. everyone’s like “does it even work?” and the answer is yes it does. ?$9 pEr bOtTLe? ok that’s the price of a beer. and also this is a gift, you can buy them a 3-pack for $36… and also if you click this link you get $20 off… thank me later.

-randa

for your friend who loves gift guides

Why don’t you tell him to Link with some Affiliates and go talk to some females 😭😭

-Harry

SEX AND LOVE

yeah yeah we’re just including this section bc it’s what you guys always want from us 🙄 we contain multitudes smh…

For the coworker you saw on Feeld who said they like MMFs:

Bespoke Gang Bang Experience (Safe for Work - it’s just a google form don’t worry)

For the girl reading this :)

415-640-2008

-Harry

for the single fellas in SF:

A Date With Randa

that’s right… set it up…

For your friend who has an ex girlfriend…

10 mins of ex girlfriends instagram

Its ok! You get ten minutes. Maybe shower after. Not in like a jacking off sense more just like….sweating it out. Probably don’t text her…but 10 mins could be good.

-harry

For anyone

Getting mildly flirtatious and esoteric while talking to a hot person in downtown New York or San Francisco

Maybe they’re like a poet and you’re like woah what’s being a poet like and they’re like I get grants and stuff and you’re like that’s crazy I wonder what time again will do this winter and they’re like yea I’m not sure or maybe they work in tech and are a consultant and you speculate with them about if burning man is post ironic or post post ironic and u don’t have S with them that night but like another night you see them and then u guys kiss

-Harry, randa and Peter

(Sorry breaking the 4th wall here but speaking of sex and Peter thiel I was talking to this guy who said that a bunch of men he knew were pretending to be bisexual so they could flirt with peter theil and I guess like…get funding? Back to the bit)¹

SPIRITUAL

For you friend caught in this strange liminal space in digital culture where we seem to shifting towards more ‘quasi-private’ internet spaces like group chats and discords

A Bit Of The Year (BOTY) Award Ceremony

Everyone's always like…oh my favorite movie of 2024 is Anora…oh im leaving the Kendrick album off my top ten. Completely 100% do not care… i wanna hear some indexing of the cultural detritus you and the boys cooked up over this beautiful year. Go through the group chat. Keyword search some funny stuff. Go back and try to find the best bits. For me I’ve got “Morning Joe humor, SSOH, Al’s Hinge, intricate ways of killing yourself when you see a hot girl…stuff liek that. Use this worksheet to whip urs up.

-harry

For your friend who follows Bryan Johnson

The Game from 1997 Michael Douglass Thriller ‘The Game’

In the 1997 Michael Douglass thriller ‘The Game’ Micahel Douglass is this rich guy whos like bored or something and signs himself up for this mysterious service where they track you and try to kill you but not actually kill you and you go insane but ultimately its fun. I think if more rich people tried to do this instead of freezing their cum we’d be in a better place. Thats just my two cents. If someone did this it would be cool. You’d get written up in ‘intelligencer’ i think. The Game is also a pretty good film. Sneakily a San Francisco movie i think too.

-harry

For your friend who’s worried about aging

Just Let Them Do The Year Over

They’re turning 30 this year and bummed about it? Just agree to be like ‘actually you’re turning 29 again not 30 on their 30th birthday. I’m surprised more people don’t do this. My friend Casey suggested it a while ago and I've thought about it a lot. You could totally do this

MARKETPLACE OF IDEAS

For your friend with absolutely Crazytown ideas

Inject their political project into the Overton window of acceptable discourse

This is one of my favorites. I run in some fairly heavy-hitting circles and people in that cohort think to materialistically….yachts, vacations, pre market amphetamine patches that also make you hard and turn your wang green while oddly turning the rest of ur shit down there purple like those fake lighting toy things you see at the exploratorium…, but its like…we all have access to that stuff. No this try instead to inject one of your friends favorite theories into the zeitgeist! We should be allowed to eat snakes? Language should cost money? Young men aren’t watching enough porn? Whatever it is..who cares! DM us for our PT x GH Loco Crazy Idea Psyop form and just submit your idea and your spend and we’ll make it happen!

-peter

For your friend who gets all their book recommendations from you

A gilded plaque that says “The [Your Name] Library of Ideas”

Install it above their book shelf as a surprise. When they bring someone home from the bar and they start looking at your friend’s books they will know that the real brains behind the operation is you. And that’s what friendship is all about 👍

Community Chest

These gift ideas were donated by members of our generous community

for more good ideas you can read faiq’s new fashion substack

for your favorite avoidant

like “inbox zero” or a “debt jubilee” but for being kind of a shitty friend. get instant forgiveness for all the texts you haven’t responded to but still think about every day. gift to yourself or your favorite avoidant

-Jasmine Sun (“Dwarkesh meets Ezra Klein but a girl”)

For that one homie who Doesn’t Need Much

Most of the apps that come preloaded onto the iPhone are fucking awesome. You can waste time on those instead of twitter or instagram. I’m talking “Utilities.” Scrolling around on Maps is classic stuff; you can sit around with the homies and everyone tries to zoom in on different remote islands in the Pacific Ocean and find various restaurants, convenience stores, high schools, etc. It’s also word-expanding. Also fun to go on the Weather app and check out different parts of Antarctica (Feels Like, what have you). The Measure app is also insane—you can lie in bed and try to measure like from your mirror to your door.

-Nabeel (Low Lift Ask)

The gift of honesty

It’s time to set yourself free. Your friend asks if he’s balding SCREAM IT FROM

THE ROOF TOP! Do I have bad breath YES YOU DO ALWAYS HAVE!! It’s time for them to KNOW and you to drop a load of your shoulders. The truth hurts but holding on to it hurts more. Let it rip

-Rachel Coster

1. ALLEGEDLY