The Good Hang Guide To Setting Your Friends Up

enter for a chance to get inducted into the good hang hall of fame

HK

Randa, in the 2009 NBA finals the Kobe Bryant lead lakers took a commanding 2 games to 0 lead over the Orlando Magic. In the press conference following the game, Bryant donned an unwavering snarl as he answered questions from the press about the game he had just played. Finally, a brave reporter asked Bryant why he wasn’t happier to be up 2-0. His reply, which you can see below, became a symbol of Bryants killer mindset. He said, “What's there to be happy about? The job’s not finished.”

I want you to think about this, but more importantly, I’d like our non-single readers, preparing for prix fixes and rose petals and jewelry to ask themselves: is the job finished? Is the job finished if your single friends aren’t right there with you rippin the $129 Wen Wen tasting platter with a girl 3 rings out of their league? Is the job finished if your bestie tosses on sleepless in seattle and tucks into a Van Leeuwens mint chip ice cream sando? Is the job finished if the whole squad isn’t full to the brim with low key tenderness and fleeting intimacy?! NO! The job isn’t finished!!!!

That's why this valentines day i’d like our readers to stop thinking about themselves for ONCE and instead, think about their single friends. And for all you ingrates who don’t like a propulsive narrative…skip to the end to see how you can be part of the GHHOF.

RS

That’s right, today we’re debuting the Good Hang Hall Of Fame AND the Good Hang Guide To Setting Your Friends Up. Get educated…

So you want to help your best friends find love? But you claim to not know any eligible single people? We at Good Hang are calling bullshit.

You might think you don’t know any single people besides the obvious choices. You have undoubtedly already considered setting your best friends up with each other, which would have happened by now if it were a good idea. You need to think bigger. Way bigger. Open up your notes app (or a spreadsheet, if you insist) and start answering these questions:

• Which of your coworkers plays the best music when they command the Sonos?

• Who is always coming with the most esoteric opinion in the boys chat?

• Which of your past roommates always washed their dishes?

• Which member of your chess club wins humbly and loses graciously?

• Who is the hottest hygienist at your dentist’s office? 

• Who in the neighborhood group chat contributes just the right amount?

• Who in your phone contacts with the last name “Tinder” was actually kind of great?

• Who are the best newsletter writers you know?

• Who has low key unspoken rizz?

• Whose DMs would you slide into if you were poly / didn’t have a bf?

• Whose vibe is effervescent?

• Who in the pick up basketball run plays with the most passion? 

• Who is most familiar with esoteric micro-thought leaders?

• Who is LEAST familiar with esoteric micro-thought leaders?

You need to think about every community you have ever been a part of, and consider the coolest/hottest/most interesting people from each group. Google them, figure out where they live, and add them to your list. Maybe you don’t know if they’re single yet. That’s ok–you will find out.

Now that you have a nice list of loose ties, you need to sus them out. See if they’ll get a drink with you, have a little text convo, slide into their DMs. Do whatever you need to do to obtain two pieces of information: (1) are they as cool as you remember? (2) are they single?

Once you’re done collecting intelligence, it’s time to start matchmaking.

Here is the dirty little secret about matchmaking: if your expressed goal is to help two people fall in love, you’ve already lost. You’ve flown too close to the sun. No One Man Can Have All That Power (who said that first again i forget?). No, the goal of a matchmaker should be to be more exciting than the Hinge algorithm. 

Rather than trying to find your friend's soulmate, try to find someone your single friend might possibly have a good first date with, or even a slightly sexually charged conversation. Most hinge dates hurdle towards a job interview with a sour and two hazy IPAs, if you can beat that, you’ve done your job. 

One helpful model for imagining matches is the classic though somewhat limiting hetero BF x GF meme. It may be helpful to consult the now-defunct twitter account @bf_and_gf_bot2

Of course you want to be thoughtful about who you’re introducing, but if matchmaking were as simple as just being thoughtful there would be no single people in the world. There is an element of magic, of unexpectedness, of surprise. Remember in chemistry class when we would mix stuff in beakers and test tubes and sometimes it would change colors? That’s what matchmaking should feel like. Yeah … maybe there’s a chance you mix two elements and they cause a minor explosion but we’re willing to take the risk for the possibility of True Love.

This is why it’s very important that you don’t let your friends’ trivial preferences and “types” dictate how you matchmake. What you’re after is Transcendent Matchmaking, making matches that go beyond your friends’ normal types. Because their types have not worked. You’re showing them the way.

After Will Smith slapped Chris Rock, Will Smith said that Denzel Washington came up to him during the commercial break and said “At your highest moment, be careful, that's when the devil comes for you.” So too is the case for the matchmaker.

There is an impulse, from the matchmaker, to continue their mastery of social dynamics and actually physically help the couple meet. And why not? They’ve just played god. They’ve created love out of thin air. But the cruel truth of the matter is once you’ve planted the idea of a set up in someone's mind, they have no chance of rizzing when you are nearby. 

Imagine flirting while someone watches you flirt. People can’t even do Italian accents when they're being watched. Some people can’t pee in the same room as other people, and you want your friend to flirt with someone in front of you? There's just no chance. 

If you were truly committed to love, you’d plant the set up seed, turn around, and leave the party. You’d go home and turn your phone off for a week. Maybe checking in after that. Alas we must make concessions, so maybe just stay on the other side of the party. 

Now let's get nitty gritty. You’ve got a few options: 

Option 1: The Go With God

Got a pair you like? Received a double confirmation? Your work here is done. Give one of them the others number and tell them to text and set up a date

Option 2: The Invisible Hand aka The Victorian Dinner Party

Got a couple you feel pretty confident about but would need to see their corporal bodies exist in the same space before you lock it in? Host a dinner party or, if you are a child, a pregame. DO NOT tell both people they’re being set up beforehand, but once they’re at the party, hit one of your friends with “there's someone id like you to meet.”

Option 3: The Psy-Op

Most romantically detailed in the underrated rom-com Set It Up, and most pervertedly and gruesomely detailed in the Crime Horror film Oldboy, you can try to set two people up without either party knowing. Oldboy is one of the most fucked up movies i’ve ever seen, but Set It Up kind of bangs…so i guess it could go either way. 

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HK: Ok so we’ve explained how to set your friends up, but much like a made up city in the middle of the mediterranean, we’re about PRAXIS. So we want to actually incentivize you wifed up little freaks to actually set your friends up. That's why we’re debuting the Good Hang Hall of Fame.

RS: If you succeed in getting two people you know to go on a date, email us some proof. Our committee will review your submission and if it passes muster, we’ll induct you into the GHHOF.

Now GET TO WORK!