What do you call a Meet Cute with a Police Officer?

plus, we introduce the Hinge Community Watch

randa

and

harry

Jun 16, 2023

hi harry …

i have a story to share, in two parts:

MAY 4

i am going thru customs at JFK. the officer takes one look at my passport before peppering me with questions about my background. the classic islamophobe routine.

i get kind of tense and start giving vague answers. i tell him that i “kinda” speak arabic, to which he responds, “kinda???” which makes me even more flustered. he lets me sweat for a lil longer before breaking into a smile and greeting me IN arabic. we have a friendly chat about my trip to el salvador and then he sends me on my way.

JUNE 10

i am going thru customs again at JFK. i am tired and disheveled as ever after a transatlantic journey. when i am called to the front of the line, i realize i recognize the officer. it’s the same mf from last time!

we do that thing where you squint at someone like you know them. then he’s like where were you? surfing again? and i start explaining that i wanted to surf in spain but there was no swell and then i get kinda nervous and feel silly for telling him so many details. if u listen closely, you’ll hear him say “i like that you recognized me and i recognized you” and then i mumble something, giggle, and walk away without him technically releasing me.

so, harry, my question for you is this: do me and officer kandil have something special? or is this a waitress in red hook situation?

this guy probably screens thousands of people every single week. and yet he remembered that i shred gnar. that’s gotta mean something right? i feel like i missed the opportunity for the meet-cute of the century.

also i am worried this means i have a crush on a cop and i’m not sure what that says about me

THERE IS PRECEDENT!

and of course…..

I want to first honor that this is a legit IRL Meet Cute. These are the specks of real-life magic that they turn into mid-2000s Rom Coms.

Think about it…you were blasting San-Sebastian-3-mile-radius-hinge NOT THREE DAYS AGO…and the whole time your soulmate was at JFK, right under your nose. It actually is beautiful.

Plus what are the chances you got him twice?? This is the kind of thing that makes me want to delete all dating apps and just live my life grounded fully into my heart chakra or whatever.

And the joke! Faking you out with TSA racism then hitting you with Arabic is High Level On The Job Riffing. I think he’s a keeper.

I have a solution…but you aren’t going to like it. But before we get to it we have to talk about The Meet Cute Compression Fallacy.

Here’s the thing. Meet Cutes DO happen. I have met people at coffee shops, on neighborhood strolls, and in classes in college. Romantic shit does happen. BUT it doesn’t happen as quickly as the cabal of Hollywood pedophiles would like us to think.

I once met someone at a coffee shop. We used to go to the same place every Sunday. And eventually, that turned into a type of romantic relationship. But it didn’t happen the first, or the second, or the third, or the 5th time we bumped into each other. It probably happened the 12th time. It maybe could have happened earlier, but there is just a degree of human chaos and paralysis and indecision that stops you from acting on your most base instinct, even if it's The Move.

And this misses! They don’t talk about the misses! I would show up at this coffee shop and they just wouldn't even be there. Because you can’t plan your life around a potential meet cute.

So this is all to say that you only have one option, and it is to continue to live a quasi-digital nomad life, flying exclusively out of JFK for the next year, and that might be a good way to get a BF.

But for real it is fun when these moments happen. They stick in our brains. I don’t think there is a science for going from 0 to 1 with these moments (shout out PT, longtime funder of this project) but there are ways to nurture a “1” and maybe turn it into a BF.

damn you’re right. the cabal of hollywood pedophiles got me again.

surely someone from our humble following is going on an international vacation soon. maybe one of you can show officer kandil this newsletter?

i have to say, all this talk of border patrol has got me thinking about a different type of terrorism. it’s one that you and i know well. the type of terrorism i am talking about is bad dating profiles.

the bad content on apps is actually why i started hot singles originally. although i shut down my beloved website, i can’t help but stay invested in the cause. and sure, hinge released a “data-driven” guide on profile creation, but i believe we need a more grassroots effort to fight dating app malpractice.

i’d like to propose the Hinge Community Watch. since you and i are out in these metaphorical streets of hinge it is our duty to defend them. the way we do that is by acting as freelance content moderators.

I’ve long said that you can’t spell penopticon without “content.”

U can actually because it’s spelled pAnopticon but nice try. anyway, let me kick us off…

to the inexperienced, this photo/caption pairing might seem totally innocuous. it’s just another surf bro on hinge. the problem, here, however, is that this guy is in what is colloquially known as the Poo Stance.

the Poo Stance happens when you point your knees outward, which makes your butt stick out in a fashion that resembles, well, taking a poo.

so what exactly is this guy saying he can teach me? how to Aqua Dump?

look - i love that he is shredding and i am not trying to say that i’m a better surfer. i will even admit that i sometimes do the poo. but i’m not putting that shit on hinge! he’s in full Poo, but acting like the Sensei of Swell. this needs to be addressed.

Ok as a known meninist I have to defend My Guy for a second.

One… as a lay person, that looks like cool normal style surfing to me. I see that and I’m like…hang loose.

Two…there’s a larger problem. Nobody should be using those photo captions. Does every photo on Earth need to be a quasi-meme? Can we have even an iota of mystery? Without the Can I Teach You I think this photo plays big time. Yea, he’s pooping, but maybe he posted it just cuz he likes how his silhouette is looking at that moment, or it’s the only surf pic he has. When you throw the caption on, it’s a one-way ticket to Not Sexyville.

Three…theres’s maybe an even larger problem going on. Teacher Core. Totally doomed as a hinge concept. Classic case of seems like a good idea, and then you squint at it and ur like…that sucks ass. Imagine someone you have budding sexual tension with repeatedly telling you to like…lightly bend your knees. Yuck. Your partner should teach you how to like….see the world with a newfound joy…not how to SURF!!