The Guaptomized Life

Plus Good Hang is starting an advice column!!

Hello everyone… all this talk of weird podcasters and age gaps really got us thinking this week… the community needs our help. Out of the kindness of our hearts, we’re opening up the Good Hang Think Tank for questions. That’s right. We’re starting an advice column.

You might be thinking - what qualifies you two to write an advice column? Well, Harry wrote a groundbreaking piece about booty calls and Randa was actually professionally advising people on polyamory and OnlyFans infidelity for a few months… This time around we’re not limiting ourselves to dating. We want all of your questions related to Hanging Out. Here are some early inquiries we’ve already received:

• I am throwing a party for myself and the 5 other women I found out my podcaster boyfriend was also dating. Where should we host it and what should the vibe be?

• I can't decide if it's good or bad that my boyfriend is 40 years older than me :( 

• Am I of the scene or above the scene?

• Are there cathedrals out there and i just don’t have the eyes to see them? 

You can send questions to sup@goodhang.org and we’ll respond in our characteristic big brained yet accessible style. 

Now onto this week’s material. Harry introduces the Guaptomized Life:

New York Mag this week released an expose about Andrew Huberman with some serious allegations about him basically having 5 secret girlfriends. Go read the article if you’d like. The Good Hang position though has long been Fuck Andrew Huberman Regardless of How Many GFs he Has.  

Good Hang and Huberman have been locked in a quasi-secret conflict for years.  He’s JFK and we’re the CIA. Except instead of communism the thing that is spreading is being a huge dork.

This is Huberman’s vibe

Here at Good Hang…we do things a little differently. 

You could pretty much sum it up like this: Huberman is an evangelist for The Optimized Life. At Good Hang…we’re more into The Guaptomized Life

There is a serious seduction to Huberman’s Optimized Life (no pun intended). Kerry Howley sums it up well in this aforementioned expose “Huberman sells a dream of control down to the cellular level.” Sure, there is something admirable about taking on yourself, about shaving down the suboptimal habits and eliminating vice and becoming smooth. I just think popping off and chilling and being cool and doing bits is more admirable. 

Anyway, to combat Huberman, I wanted to drop some tips for how our readers can be more Guaptomzied in day-to-day life without taking a bunch of weird little breaths that sexless villains from “Stanford” say will cure your anxiety. 

The Guaptomiziation Protocol

Tip 1: Talk About 9/11 On Hinge Dates  

Huberman is all about science. Obviously, that is lame. Sounds like he’s got less of a 3 Body Problem and more of a 300 Body Count Problem!!! Yes!!! YES!!! But there is one thing science got right - Control Groups. If you are going on lots of dates, something that can be helpful is to bring up the same weird thing every first date. For me that is usually 9/11…but it can be anything, really!

Tip 2:  Have a good Morning Routine (for dialing in your mid-market espresso machine)

You guys should see my roommate Dave get cooking on the Breville. Coffee is far cooler and chicer to be into than beer. The “ipa guy” was almost instantaneously struck down for his aesthetic transgressions. Why do all the cans have skulls on them? Its so much better to be weirdly obsessed with coffee. Hit the boys chat with a custom Marzocco and see what they do.

The artisanal interest as a mainstream aesthetic signifier era is over. It died right around the time Vice started putting out articles about how to be Poly in Japan’s oldest Rock Formation or whatever. But this is exactly when we zag. Democracy my die in darkness, but artisanal interest for espresso flavor nodes does not.

Plus look how cool this is.

This is just a no-brainer to me. Imagine you’re chatting with your girlfriend's dad over some 3rd Wave ‘Singie-Orie’… what is cooler than taking a quick sip and hitting him with “hmmm yea…orange…..pistachio….cherry... maybe? Maybe cherry…?” I’ll tell you what, that’s gonna work a lot better than some dumbass comment like “yea I actually like the cold plunges now.” If someone said that to my daughter I’d launch them into outer space. 

Tip 3: Enter the Eli Zone

My friend Eli believes that there is a hidden metric on Rotten Tomatoes that will help you find an extremely fun movie to watch. We call this The Eli Zone. The Eli Zone is when there is a significant difference between the Crtic Score and the Audience Score such that the audience score is both higher than the critic score and higher than say, 65%. Some classic movies in the Eli Zone: 

A noncomprehensive list of Eli Movies, some of which Eli actually likes. 

Angel has Fallen (2019), Coach Carter (2005), Venom (2018), Venom: Let There Be Carnage (2021), The Boondock Saints (1999), Red Notice (2021), Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019), The Intern (2015), Jungle Cruise (2021), Shooter (2007), Equalizer (2014), Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (2011)

Anyway, hope this helps. And please don’t actually have control groups for hinge dates.