The Good Hang Texting Taxonomy (Pt 1)

who among us hasn't sent an article? a spotify link? a dick pic?

Greetings to our new readers who may be coming her from

Delia Cai

’s esteemed Deez Links newsletter. If you’re unfamiliar with us beyond our Gangbang interview here's a quick summary: Good Hang is a Theil-funded think tank / psy op with the broad goal of understanding how hanging out works (so we can bring it with us to Mars or Hawaii or whatever when It happens). We typically leverage dark arts and quasi-legal technology to do insane 3rd rail Manhattan Project-type stuff but for chilling and having S.

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Here at GHHQ we’ve been talking about TEXTING a lot.

So for the next few weeks (we don’t rly know how many….sort of giving thread 1/? vibes….) we’re going to embark on building out the Good Hang Texting Taxonomy. There are so many kinds of texting…some of them ruin our lives, and some of them make life worth living. Right now, we’re talking about 1 on 1 texting. It would take years to untangle the dynamics of a group chat. This is PART 1

CATEGORY 1: HORNY JAIL

goated category. one of the best ways to be on your phone.

FLIRTING 

Working Definition: digi rizzing someone who makes your stomach hurt

Forbidden Words: primary partner, hehe, 🥵

Examples: wouldn’t you fucking freaks like to know 

Bottom Line:

HK: The norms of text flirting come down to something very simple: have you gone on 1 or more dates with the subject? Pre-corporal-meeting text flirting is for being 12 and getting heart palps telling a girl from the other town you’ve never met that you wanna be her bf. Leave it there.

RS: agreed, if u wanna flirt with someone you’re never gonna meet please just spare them and get an AI bf.

SEXTING

Working Definition: Co-writing a Sarah J. Maas book with someone whose penis/boobs you’ve seen.

Forbidden words: I guess nothing?

Examples:

Bottom Line:

HK: i don't do stuff like this. I try to only have sex “in real life”. Maybe if i had sex with someone 1 hundred times i would then consider sexting with them if they were like…in Europe

HK: A note on the subcategory of sexting photos: I once met a guy who told me he sent a dick pic to someone then became marginally famous and years later someone tweeted at him a picture of his own dick back it him with the comment “hey is this your dick?” and he was just like “no thats not my dick”. Totally changed my perspective on dick pics… could just be like no that's not my dick. What are they gonna do? 

LOGISTICS (HINGE)

Working Definition: saying ‘How 7:30 at Bar Part Time’ to a guy you met on the internet

Forbidden words: Doris, Rick and Morty, Ridgewood, I’m early

Examples:

Bottom Line:

HK: For a brief time in 2019 when i was going on a hinge date with someone for the first time I would jokingly tell them that they’d be able to spot me because I’d be in a “very large rick and morty t shirt.” I ultimately stopped doing this for two reasons. The first is that I heard

Emilia Petrarca

mention on an episode of Throwing Fits that she used to wear the same type of dress to every first date but then stopped doing that because it was sort of reinforcing the routine of it all rather than the possible magic and wonder of a first date. The second was that I didn’t want to get “West Elm Caleb’d but for rick and morty.”

RS: sometimes when i’m late i use texting to keep ‘em busy while they wait…

Category 2: HOMEWORK

These are the texts we set aside for when we’ve got the headspace for them.

SPOTIFY LINK

Working Definition: a last gasp at post-algorithmic curation that is somehow also annoying

Forbidden words: TikTok, J-Cole, Any Apple Music Link

Bottom Line: 

RS: a spotify link is an imposition. it is far too easy to just thoughtlessly send a link to a 2 hr podcast episode and expect that i’m gonna listen to that shit. most recommendations are selfish without much consideration for the recipient’s personal taste. i didn’t ask for this and now i have to listen and respond to it? smells like school!

IDEATING

Working Definition: Getting in the lab, plotting, non-funny yes anding

Forbidden Words: no, blockchain, 

Example:

Bottom Line:

HK: Good Hang is a product of ideating over text. I’m always shocked by how much of my creative consulting work ends up being just tossing ideas out over imessage lol

RS: imessage is my whiteboard

ASSIGNED READING

Working Definition: Assigning homework to your friend or lover who has also somehow reached their NY Mag article limit for the month.

Forbidden Words: poly, cat person, incels, [14 minute read]

Example:

Bottom Line:

HK: Randa and I are split on this. I’m fucking with an article in the DMs. Make no mistake though, randa reads maybe 5 times as much as me….i just like a little concierge service with my discourse. Also i have something crazy to say *invisible ink* sending an article can be flirting sometimes.  We’ve all been there…3DDF….3rd date discourse flirting. You just get lobbed a think piece at like 2pm the day after you guys met in the biblical sense for the first time. Now you’ve gotta clear your schedule so you can be an off-duty cultural critic. I sound like im complaining but the whole project is completely thrilling. 

RS: do not send me a fucking article. i studied engineering miss me with ur liberal arts DMs*

*unless we’ve been on 1-5 dates with each other**

**or the article is coming with 1-3 lines about why you think i would like it

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So concludes part one of the taxonomy. Tune in for categories 3-5 ;)