Welcome to another installation of nmjcās hanging out seriesā¦as Sultans of Seshing, randa and harry talk to hanger-outters across the world about hot-button issues relating to chilling. Click the big button below if youāre itching for more.
HK: Today weāre talking STYLE. One of my favorite things. I love having perfect style. Thatās one of the reasons Petey Paypal reached out to us. He liked our low key old money swag.
But here I am, thinking about how immaculate and discerning yet adventurous my taste is, and i'm starting to get sad. Why? Because I donāt go hang out and shop with my friends anymore!Ā
You mentioned in the Dave Chat that you do still shop with friends? How? And where?Ā
I think my problem is that I have some many specific clothing items I already know that I want, that I don't really have the disposable income to just explore, Iāve got Paraboots to cop! What's your take?
RS: Shopping IRL is less about seeking out a specific thing I want, and more about gathering inspiration, trying on different shapes and proportions, and adding to my mind map of clothing options. I think itās fun to do this with friends as an activity. I love to be in a fitting room with a friend, taking turns showing each other what weāve tried on. We need to talk more about shopping IRL so Iām stoked Emilia Petrarca said sheās going to do that in her next newsletter.
The kicker, Harry, is that the specific friend you choose to shop with matters. You want to shop with someone who has two qualities: style you admire and brutal honesty. I have been peer-pressured into buying a lot of items I disliked: trousers that made my lower half look like a woolen hot air balloon, a printed fast-fashion skort that goes with nothing in my closet, and various other items that made me feel like I was playing dress up for some alt version of myself.
In other words, if you ask ādoes this look good on me?ā you want your friend to tell you the truth. For example, I recently went shopping with my friend Brian in Berkeley. We were in this vintage store that had a bunch of funny items like this Ghirardelli jacket:Ā
We thought the jacket was very funny. I liked pretending I worked for a chocolate factory, but feeling like Willy Wonka simply wasnāt enough. The jacket itself was pretty shapeless and unflattering. Brian was a Good Shopping Friend about it, agreeing that it wasnāt worth adding to my wardrobe.
Speaking of Brian, he is our guest this week. Brian Watson (colloquially known as bwats) is an ideas guy whoās done ideas guy stuff at Apple, VSCO, and as a venture capitalist (shhhh). But he is so much more than his work - Brian is a person I regularly hit up for opinions on matters of Taste. He has a cool apartment, wears cool clothes, and always seems to know about cool stuff going on. We went out together last weekend and heās here to tell us about it.
NMJC: How did you hang out this weekend?
BW: On Friday, I went to the second anniversary of Bar Part Time. I went with Randa. We had fun meeting new people in line, hanging out with friends, drinking fizzy wine, and admiring the San Francisco fashion scene. I even bought a cool hat.Ā
Afterward, we assembled a group of homiesāincluding some new friends from the BPT lineāand ate pasta, drank espresso martinis, and reviewed each otherās Hinge profiles at a Mano. We then went to a pool bar (where I was introduced to the group dap... wtf) and then to another bar, but I left early because my shoes were getting messed up, and I couldnāt stand listening to Taylor Swift anymore
HK: Iām hearing whispers of Bar Part Time being an SF scene, Iāve got a lot of love for SF, but Iāve really only known it to be a profoundly swagless placeā¦is there really a scene there? And what is it?
With places like Ruby and Bar Part Time, thereās a sense of rebellion against the conventional wine culture. Youāre standing. Youāre not seated. Thereās no charcuterie. Itās just good people and good vibes. What makes it feel sceney is that itās a place where youāll bump into a friend or a friend of a friend. This is especially true if youāre in the broader Bay Area creative scene. This is where many of the marketers, art directors, and designers of the tech industry go to hang out. And if youāre in that community, itās a lot smaller than youād think. Thereās honestly nothing better than walking around a party with a bottle of bubbles in one hand, a glass in another, dancing to disco music, and sharing a pour with whomever you bump into.
RS: Iām thinking about the time you called me to ask āCan VCs be cool?ā and I hemmed and hawed before saying it was impossible. I want to turn the question back on you: are the tech employee patrons of Bar Part Time cool? Why or why not?
Peopleās identities contain so much more than what they do for work and how they earn a check. When weāve discussed this, my issue has been a broader tech culture (specifically, VC culture) that asks people to wear their company logo as a badge of honor. This becomes incredibly toxic when it overshadows a personās sense of who they are and how they show up to people. After the pandemic and recent recession, weāve had to reckon with this culture in the Bay. Many people are out of work or spend more time alone (WFH), creating more desire for people to express their individuality when theyāre being social.
From my experience at places like Bar Part Time and many other creative spaces throughout the Bay (e.g., Kinfolx in Oakland), people want to show up as their authentic selves. It just so happens we live in a place where tech dominates the industry, and our day jobs require us to be a certain way. And yeah, you might see people youāve worked with in the past, but thatās not the nature of your conversations. They want to talk about surfing, an artist they love, or the new fragrance line theyāre dropping on the side. (All real conversations!)Ā
RS: For sure. Iāve had annoying conversations with ārealā creatives where they give me shit for working in tech. And Iām just like ā¦ crucify me if u want but I need to make money to exist in this world! Reminds me of this tweet:
HK: Many fashion vibes experts (cc throwing fits) have called SF one of the worst dressed cities in the worldā¦what are you seeing re that?Ā
While many people think SF fashion is just unstylish, I disagree. I think a much better word to describe it is ~functional~. Weāre past the point of people wearing tech company merch, Patagonia vests, and Allbirds. SF fashion is less about ādressing upā and more about wearing something comfortable that could be with you all day.Ā
The temperature can change wildly throughout the day and even between neighborhoods, so itās all about layering. The essential staples are vintage sweaters (because it gets cold at night), a tote bag that holds your reusable water bottle, and pretty much anything else thatās oversized. My favorite SF designer is Evan Kinori. In my opinion, heās the best expression of designing for this style. His designs consist of tonal, oversized patterns cut with high-quality, imported fabrics. You can find his clothing in Dover Street Market all over the world, but itās made here locally.Ā
Thereās also an irony and wittiness to dressing in SF that people learn to embrace. The other night, we met a girl named Sam wearing a Samās Club hat. Randa bought a t-shirt that read āDance Hole.ā The most stylish people donāt take dressing seriouslyāitās raw self-expression. Thereās an embrace of non-conformity across all spectrums, from gender to fashion, so thereās permission to wear whatever makes you feel good. Thatās what fashion in SF is all about.
NMJC: We are hanging out experts. How can we help you hang out?Ā
BW: I have this thing where I keep seeing the same people at the same events. Iām genuinely excited whenever I see them, but we still haven't made 1-1 plans yet. What's the best way to convert a see-you-when-I-see-you friend to a Close Friend?
HK: I have a very distinct memory of bench pressing about 140 pounds the summer after my sophomore year of college while listening to the DJ Khaled and Drake number āno new friendsā
If you watch the music video for this song, which features drake dancing around with the Young Money Roster of lil wayne, birdman, and Rick Ross, something becomes very clear: Drake did go on to have a lot of new friends. Honestly one of the most impressive aspects of the second act of Drakes career is just how many new friends he has.Ā
I had a thought then, benching a buck forty in hawaii, which I have had countless times since: ādrake is totally right about the spiritual truths in his music.ā In this case I thought he was right that, at 20, I wouldnāt need any new friends. I was finally free from the awkwardness of making a new friend, or acquaintance.Ā
I bring all of this up, because my honest answer to this question is that it's totally about a switch in your mentality. I think our collective default setting is No New Friends, especially after like, puberty. I understand why, It is fun to imagine a world where all of my dear friends from childhood both live near me and have the same niche interests as me. Of course neither of these end up being true.Ā
So, I posit, maybe youād have more luck switching your search from close friends to ISGH. ISGH or Interest Specific Good Hangs is a supercategory of friend that isn't the type of friend you would be able to sit in silence with for 4 hours on a couch, but it might be the type of friend you could totally enjoy going to a museum with, or a gallery opening, or a weird poetry reading. Itās cool and adult to be into fucked up little things like biking or cooking or whatever, why not leverage that to have less awkward hangs with locals in your area.Ā
RS: Totally. I actually think this mentality *might* have roots in modern dating culture. You could call it the Bumble BFF Mindset. We have this weird expectation that when you meet somebody interesting, you should do a series of 1:1 hangs until you get close. The Bumble BFF Mindset is deeply flawed.
You have the first part of friend-making right ā serendipitously running into each other and experiencing the mere exposure effect, where you like somebody the more you see them. Maybe youāre also watching each otherās Instagram stories and making comments here and there. This is all good. Now Iām going to get back to what Harry said.
Itās all about texting a new friend a very specific invitation to be your +1 somewhere. Sharing experiences is how we bond. You invite your friend to see Zadie Smith at City Arts and Lectures or maybe you go see a niche 22-year-old rapper named Babytron in Oakland together. Whatever your activity of choice, make it something besides getting a drink or coffee. And donāt rush the invitation, let it happen when it happens.
Having just moved to a new place, I have a lot of budding new friendships. Iām running into people at the bakery and the open mic and the ocean. I feel pretty confident some of these people will become closer friends over time. I think you gotta trust the process.
HK: Well then riddle me this RANDAā¦why do i have like 10+ friends and no girlfriend?Ā
No I do agree though. People always forget that sitting across from someone you arenāt close with for two hours and just talking is totally insane. It's best to ease into that intimacy, in my opinion.Ā
In a word or two (or more)ā¦
Song of the weekend?Ā
Teezo Touchdown - Impossible
Craziest feeling?Ā
Being introduced to the group dap by Randa. I've been alive and Black for 33 years, and I've neverā¦Ā
Confession?Ā
I shaved my head last week and it's awesome
Most romantic moment?
The lady under the tree who looked up and smiled at me on my walk
Who was the Most Valuable Stranger of the weekend?
āThat guy we met in line whose life we changedā - Randa