dear esteemed community of hanger outers,
it’s may 24th, we’re still SQUARELY, nay, triangularly in the mf midst of MMF MAY. that’s why this week we’re bringing you a collection, a group, an anthology, if you will, of anonymous 3sum stories sent in by our subscribers. you might think this is about “sex,” but really it’s about so much more: photography, sharknado, The Cheesecake Factory, Barack Obama’s presidency, and a number of other important elements of the human condition.
obviously, we had to add an audio-visual component to the post today, because what could be more MMF than audio, video, and the written word?
enjoy (but not too much),
-harry (M) and randa (F)
P.S. we hit 2000 subscribers :)))))))))
Bo oi oi oi oi oi oing
I got on Feel’d with the specific goal of having copious, sexually psychotic threesomes, ideally as a couple’s ‘third.’ My threesomesexuality was so particular that I even filtered my results for only couples: no single chicks, dudes, or theys shall pass.
While I matched quickly with a few couples, nothing was quite the right fit: one couple from Ridgewood seemed like loser nerds as we talked more, another from the UES had an exhibitionist fetish and was hoping to post videos of our encounter online. Also, more importantly, they had wanted me to travel to their apartment on the UES – too long of a commute back to my home in **redacted neighborhood in Brooklyn**, and obviously this wasn’t a sleepover situation.
Finally, I met S+B. These freaks were perfect: located a 15 minute walk from my work, seemed like cute, conventional 30-somethings who seemed to have a little experience inviting another body into their abode.
S+B took it to text quick – starting with some formalities, verifying that I am not a Catfish or a Bot with a photo of myself, noting that they were excited to have me over, sending me a picture of B wearing some nipple clamps. It came as a surprise when S (male) side-texted me: “Wow, I’m really excited to meet you. Just talking with you and B now is getting me kind of worked up.” I’m someone who likes to stoke a fire, and quickly we began rampantly sexting through his work day. (It’s important to note here that within these texts, he sent me the most legendary dick pic I have ever received: A time-lapse under a desk of his incredibly large penis going from flaccid to erect. This video is warmly referred to as the ‘boi-oi-oi-oi-oing’ video among my close friends.)
Our rapid fire sexting culminated in me almost going over there at 1pm before I had to be at work later that afternoon. There was just one condition: I had to text B and ask her if it was okay if I fuck her husband.
Understanding the psycho-sexual cat and mouse game that I had fallen into, I texted B, who told me I was a “bad girl” and a “little slut who needed to be punished”– no one texts S behind her back. Part of my punishment? “Sending a very dirty photo.” I, lost in the sexting sauce, presented B with the most sexually explicit nude video I have ever taken let alone shared with two people I have never met. (These freaks could ruin my fucking life.)
The rest of the day was spent weaving in between group chats with S+B, B on her own describe how she is going to reprimand me, S begging me to come over, reminding me of his “massive cock,” and explaining to me exactly how he was going to use it. I masturbated twice. Amidst the chaos, we made a date for that Friday when I was done with work.
But Friday came around, and when I was free – they suddenly were too tired. What about Sunday instead? They had plans. They said they would text me next week and never did. I followed up – they couldn’t that night. I got the message.
13 Threesomes Pt 1
I used to date this guy in Boston who loved when we would have threesomes w his friends so in college I had like 13 threesomes cuz he had a lot of friends and one time I got to his house and he put acid on my tongue before I could say hello and his friend came over and we were all fucking and watched sharknado 1-3 tripping balls and then I quit my job at Cheesecake Factory because I didn’t want to go in at 7 am the next day. I sent my boss an I’m sure insane email
13 Threesomes Pt 2
Another time I went to his house and he was working out and then we started having sex and his friend came over cuz like all his friends knew the door code and he watched us have sex on the workout bench but then we just all had sex and listened to the new frank ocean
Foosball
Met these two random girls at a bar in 2019, we were dancing and vibing. It felt right so I asked for my friends horrible blow so I could invite them back to do some and hang at my place. We all crammed into the back of her orange Honda fit, it was drizzling and the windshield wipers weren’t working well. That combined with cig smoke in the car made it very low visibility. Got to my place, went up to my room and someone put on Fleetwood Mac and we got to it pretty quickly. First threesome, very sweaty, lots of rolling around, not as physically awkward as I thought it would be.
In the midst of it one girl asked me to hit her with a hammer, I think like a literal hammer. I ignored it and at some point it just ended, although I don’t think any of us finished. As we got dressed that same girl said “that’s showbusiness baby”. We all got dressed and went to the basement to play 2v2 foosball with my roommate for a bit before they left. We made a group chat but never texted to hang out again. Ran into them three more times (at that same beloved bar) over the next few months and went home together every time. Then just never saw them again.
Harry doesn’t know shit
There are three things I can be sure of in this world: when my dog needs to poop, when a girl has broken up with her boyfriend via her instagram presence, and when a girl wants to hook up with me. The third surety is where this story finds its origins. This particular story begins where all great stories begin: with Harry being dead wrong. It is 2010 and the first week of my freshman year of high school (Harry is a sophomore). Over the course of those first couple of weeks I noticed a beautiful blonde princess giving me eyes in the hallway of our school. Let’s call her, Dave. I told Harry that Dave (also a sophomore) wanted to hook up with me but he told me that I was out of my mind. Luckily, he doesn’t know shit about me and when the first school dance of the year comes around Dave and I share a glorious make out. Tongue and all. We even grinded a bit!
Fast forward 3 years to 2013. Barack Obama has just been sworn in for a second term as President of these United States and Dave now has a very serious boyfriend. Let’s call him, Dave. Despite this, I still share a few flirtatious glances with Dave in the hallways of our high school. We had a fire that couldn’t be extinguished.
The school year is wrapping up and Dave, Dave, and Harry are soon to graduate. The stage is set for the annual weekend overnight party that takes place in Napa Valley, CA. It is the best weekend of the year. This party is kind of a no-rules debaucherous jamboree of sex, drugs, and trying not to get a boner in your swim trunks. You see, if you get a boner in your swim trunks you can’t tuck it up into the waistband of your shorts like normal style. If you do that and you’re not wearing a shirt then everyone will see the tip of your wiener poking out of the elastic. But I digress. Arriving in Napa, almost everyone at the party is a familiar face. Except for one sexy stranger that I haven’t seen before. Let’s call her, Dave. Dave was brought to this function by Dave, a friend of hers from summer camp or something. Dave and I immediately catch a vibe. She really liked my silly antics, usually a telltale sign of pheromones being exchanged. I lock in on the fact that Dave wants to hook up with me. I don’t even run the idea by Harry this time because I know his brains are fucking scrambled. Scrambled. Fucking. Eggs.
Night falls which is the only time that hooking up with someone for the first time isn’t weird. I am drunkenly looking around the party for Dave but I can’t seem to find her anywhere. I open a bedroom door and suddenly there she is. Sitting on the foot of the bed while Dave and Dave are sitting near the pillows. She is elated to see me. I can tell that I’ve walked into something strange because Dave is not happy that I am there. He was in the process of concocting what he thought was a FFM 3-some. My metaphorical cock has just blocked his literal one. Dave on the other hand, seems intrigued and giddy that I’ve walked in the room. Remember our fire the couldn’t be snuffed…
There is some brief banter and giggling, Dave is trying to get me to leave the room so that he can have his dirty little 3-some but Dave and Dave ask that I stay. Eventually we start to make out. Then we swap. Then we swap again. Tongues are flying, boners are untucked, and Daves are everywhere. It was awesome. I never thought that Dave and I would get to make out again on account of her serious boyfriend and her proximity to graduation. Our lips lingered a few seconds too long. Dave was not happy. I go back to Dave, who I had just met. We make out a bit more and leave the room. The rest is herstory.
Nicks Crispy 3 Sums
In like 2015 I matched on Tinder with a het couple in their mid-20s who seemed reasonably normal and we had a mutual friend so I said fuck it, send it. We met up a few days later at a hotel bar in downtown SF, the vibes are benignly sexy, so we then took a train to the east bay and stopped by their apartment in the Oakland hills for like an hour. Cute and normal A-frame house! Good, private vibes! All good so far.
Then we inexplicably left and drove 10 minutes to his childhood home and proceeded to get crossfaded there, so then nobody could drive back to the couple’s house— and either I was too dumb and horny to think clearly or this was like kinda pre Uber being ubiquitous in my life, so that’s where the problem-solving ended.
Instead of doing literally anything else, I then played chess and ripped bong with his little brother and talked to his mom about politics. To get the now sort-of-weird evening back on what is now a slightly weirder track, we all decided to go back into into his Childhood Bedroom to have a threesome. It’s important to note here that this house is one of those open, loft-style houses. Can his mom and brother hear us? Probably? Also of note: he had a massive collection of toys and dolls and action figures on every possible surface; their eyes are all highly unsettling. Whatever, we bone, it’s all fine, her and I give each other some mutually underwhelming head, and I think he’s the only one who finishes (into my mouth; refuses to kiss me after; this is the point at which I decide the vibes are not so good). I sleep over and am the middle spoon (overrated; so sweaty; never again).
The next day the weirdness continues and they invite me to his work brunch (some tech company; hosted at Nick’s Crispy Tacos; yum). I’m introduced as an old friend, it’s such a boring brunch obviously, and as I say my goodbyes and walk out, he tells his coworkers who I am and everyone cheers, which unfortunately I kind of loved. Never talked to them again. I think I’m FB friends with her?
The Good Hang Community 3 Sum Diaries